Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
