so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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