alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
