Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
