I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
