And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
