I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
