just come out here and I will go home with you...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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