To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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