it wasn't lemon gatorade
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
