Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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