I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
