I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
