i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
