new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
