so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
