I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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