thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
