The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
