Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
