My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
