I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
