The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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