One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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