True but thats because hes a fetus.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
