I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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