My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
do nipples grow back?
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