I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
