apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
