so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
