Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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