maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
