So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
