the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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