So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
NoShamevember. You game?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
