If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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