Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
