I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You are the jesus of drinking
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
