If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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