Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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