I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Randomize
