My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
