im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
