Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
