you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Drunk is not a location!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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