Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
