im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
