just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
