if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
