Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
