just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
