we have officially lost it.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sext me about skeletons
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
